Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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