I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
