you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
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I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
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Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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