My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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