I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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