I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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