So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
