you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
