An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize