R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
