I'm pants shitting drunk right now
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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