I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
