I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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