I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
