My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
