Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
