i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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