It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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