apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
