yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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