I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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