$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The uberlube is also flammable
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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