i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
