I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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