8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
