he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
