well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
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I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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