when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
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You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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