I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
