I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
