I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
