My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He felt like a one man threesome
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
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I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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