six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
