Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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