genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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