You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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