That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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