I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
