dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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