Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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