The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
