There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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