If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
