I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
