The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
