I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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