Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
