I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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