He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
