Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
