Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
