I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
