Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
