I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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