I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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