im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
