Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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