whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
