Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
